The Difference Between Communication and Manipulation

I often wonder where the line is; what is the balance between communication and manipulation?

This post is the first in a series which will discuss this difference and how it plays out in different situations. As an introduction, we start with abstract thinking.

One of the byproducts of becoming aware of body language was that I became more aware of my environment, and of myself.

While not able to read others very well, I noticed what I refer to as "way out there" anomalies. These anomalies were gestures and actions that made my subconscious take a step back and shout at my conscious mind "this is not real!". My gut would twist and I'd just know I am being manipulated.

I was being manipulated. I don't consider myself especially naive or gullible, but I've been had.

In some cases, it was a minor incident. But was I just becoming paranoid or was what I saw real?

Medical doctors and psychologists often identify themselves in diseases they read about in class, mental or physical. How could I be sure I was being realistic?

I Googled the subject of manipulation, and didn't make much headway. Most of the hits were about spousal abuse. An interesting rule of thumb to identify abusive relationships caught my eye, as it seemed wrong to me.

If someone is trying to get you to do something with an emotional demand rather than a repciprocal one, they are being manipulative.

They provided with examples:

Manipulative--
If you don't come to my birthday party, I will cry/be upset/hate you/laugh at you with your friends.

"Okay"--
If you come to my birthday party you will eat a most amazing cake.

Life is manipulative and we have different tools we use to communicate with our friends. Honestly, I don't mind if a good friend of mine threatened to be upset.

What this rule of thumb was good for was to easily be able to distinguish between manipulative behavior and communication.

Also, although not necessarily a bad behavior, noticing it is useful in resisting their attempts.

In a broader outlook, it helps with the study of the psyche of those you communicate with. Some folks notice how many "I"'s and "me"'s people use when they speak. I now notice how many statements are emotionl-based appeals with no merits as well as ones meant to make you feel uncomfortable by speaking to your emotions, in contrast to the rest of their requests and statements.

Not taking away from the subject of spousal abuse and its victims, I decided to draw the line wayyy up there above what could possibly be communication.

What are some examples of clearly manipulative behavior I discounted? I will write of these descriptively in the coming weeks. Suffice to say they had to be more than one gesture (a good handshake) to one "scene" (as in a play or a movie, scripted and played out) to count.

The description of this blog is:
Exploring the repertoire of inter-personal relations between communication and manipulation.

The reason for that is that the tools used to manipulate people can also be used to communicate better. The difference is very simple, it is in intent or motive.

What I consider manipulative another may consider good communication, and what they consider manipulative someone else would consider as acceptable. It is about perspective, and that is indeed in the eye of the beholder.

Recently I noticed how I make eye contact, and learned to identify when it is awkward or wanted.

Am I manipulating a person by making eye contact, or simply acting as a good communicator? I believe I am simply communicating, as I do nothing other than chat and not even consider any type of coercion. Someone else, however, can use the exact same tool to manipulate by enabling a person to trust him or her faster as rapport is created.

The truth belongs with every practitioner, as obviously there is no clear ethical guideline which is absolute. the Nazis are often brought up as the one example to absolute morality. I suppose you can contradict my statement with that.

I will wrap up this post, as Godwin's law has been invoked.

Pinky.

Nature Abhors Vacuum

Nature abhors vacuum, it always seeks to fill it. That is a simplification of physics, but it works.

Taking natural laws and contemplating them in a philosophical manner is sometimes interesting and often silly, but I can't avoid that one. It fits so well.

When in a conversation, do you lean toward the person? Keep your distance and lean back? Face them? These are all basic techniques of creating rapport.

Make eye contact, speak openly, show an open body language.

I can't dispute any of these, except that like all rules of thumb they are only true up to a level. They are what you should aspire to and eventually reach in any conversation, not what you should force.

You don't want to lean in if the other person isn't comfortable and faces away from you or moved back. You do not want to maintain eye contact too much if the other person avoids it continually.

After becoming aware of body language and losing my automotive ability to communicate in a nonverbal manner, I couldn't maintain eye contact. I never had this problem before.

I'd look someone in the eye as I've always done without thinking--think about it--and look away submissively, running with my eyes.

I got my confidence back and eye contact is easy for me again. Only now it is beyond easy, it is a tool of communication. This is when I noticed "The Leaning Game".

Lean in, and if the person in front of you isn't comfortable they'd move or lean back.
Lean back and when comfortable the other person will lean in.
Lean in again, a bit, and they will lean back a bit.
Lean back slightly and you found a comfort zone.
Lean further in when you feel like it, and if comfort is reached the other person will respond accordingly, and mirroring will occur.

1-4 can be repeated several times.

This became an automatic behavior for me, and I was surprised to find it is as subconscious and natural as eye contact has once again become.

Create a vacuum and the other side will want to fill it. A good example is in inter-personal relations. Over-simplifying, if you call less or stop calling a person, then if there is anything there and you weren't just projecting energy into a black hole--they'd call you.

Nature abhors vacuum, and if communication is sought, the other side would fill that vacuum. Finding the balance will increase comfort and facilitate better communication and rapport.

This won't happen if they are onto this being a regular "game" of yours or them not being interested, or feel negatively about it. Then, they may just not be aware it is happening, or care. If they do, you know instantly, even if they don't.

Pinky.