Sitting at the restaurant waiting for our steak, I noticed the couple sitting next to us.
The woman, sitting on the "couch" against the wall I didn't even notice at the time. The guy, sitting opposite her on a chair stood out. His body language was extremely animated, he gestured with his hands enthusiastically, waving them in front of his face, leaning toward the woman.
Next, I did notice the woman. She was sitting straight, back to the wall. The asymmetry of him leaning in and her leaning back (as far as she could with the wall at her back) just screamed at me. As if joking I said to my friends: "he sure isn't getting any tonight". My friends, though, weren't sure if this was even a date.
During the course of our meal, I looked to the couple a few more times, noticing more. The woman, Hands lying on her lap, fingers interlaced half-way. Legs crossed. Was she thinking/considering or purely in a closed position? It almost seemed like she was trying to keep her patience.
At some point her head moved forward, perhaps she opened to the guy slightly, or maybe she was just trying to figure something out. The guy, completely oblivious to her body language just kept trying very hard. Silence may have been a better strategy.
Later on, I noticed the guy still leaning in, excited and animated as ever. The woman's body language was escalating negatively: she was leaning back against the wall as far as she could, her hands were slowly becoming fully crossed and being crossed-legged, she was moving her foot at an increasingly fast rate. It was like watching a car accident. It was like halos of hellish fire and heavenly blue fighting each other in between the two like in paintings of demons and angels.
The steaks were long gone when we heard a raised tone from the woman "we are not discussing that!"--I guess they knew each other for more than just some date.
I felt like combustion was imminent, her foot creating a whirlwind under the table and her body becoming stiffer than ever. Her voice, which we did not hear before, was now matching tone to body language.
"We better get out of here before the table next to us explodes" I mused. We paid the bill and apparently ran out just in time as we could hear explosions behind us.
This was one of my first conscious continual reading of body language, and I am very happy about it, obvious as it may have been. I could not see her face but apparently, her body was very good at communicating displeasure, impatience and maybe even hate.
Pinky.
Showing posts with label crossed hands. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crossed hands. Show all posts
Friday, April 11, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Out with a girl showing closed body language
I was out with a girlfriend today who continually displayed closed body language--crossed hands and legs, somewhat stiff and closed in on herself. I assumed this means she is closed to me.
In my head, during awkward pauses, I went through what this body language projection may mean, from feeling unsure to pure hate. It impacted my normal social behavior by making me selfconscious and thus on occasion, socially awkward (which led to the pauses).
After spending the whole day and evening with her I decided to take the plunge and when I felt energetic and excited, I went with it--ignoring my concerns. This outgoing behavior resulted in her being a bit energetic herself and smiling more. She still kept the closed body language, though.
She is a great girl, but somewhat closed and private in general--which means a baseline for her behavior had to be created first, taking her closed tendencies into account. How far does that extend, though?
Frustrated, I realized that something is off, so I openly spoke with her on the subject of body language and asked what's up. Why would she spend so much time with me and enjoy herself yet remain closed?
I brought it into the conversation, and she said that she was cold. Weather cold (chilly) rather than behaviorally. Talk about ASSumptions!
Chatting with Lancelot, my valiant co-blogger, we realized that closed body language does not necessarily mean a closed attitude, environmental factors may come into play ranging from just being cold to having the flu. :)
Now that I know to look for it, I can try and ascertain if there are other reasons for such behavior, meaning. Is the person in front of me cold? As to other reasons, I don't know what they are yet. I do know that if someone is closed to me I am going to try and verify if they are indeed closed by being more friendly, leaning in, getting closer. Observing their response.
Then, if they are open to my approaches and attempts (and maintain their body language over time rather than open up), I will try to figure out what's wrong, perhaps by simply asking "are you cold?" or "isn't it chilly in here?" and see how that works. Like in Quantum mechanics, perhaps one needs to watch for a lot of factors--being cold being just one of them--but even just knowing one needs to further examine closeness signals before coming to final encounter conclusions is critical.
The reason for this approach as opposed to trying to open up people with closed body language is in application rather than method--they do respond to your attempts, but don't open up.
In other words:
if (language.situation==closed)
{
try_ping_approach;
}
Full disclosure note: she always kept her legs crossed in a closed position--away from me, but I did not figure that one out as of yet, except that indeed "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". Body language is a closed feedback loop, impacting feelings much like emotions impact it, so such patterns are negative for interactions regardless.
On another note, after speaking with her on body language I "pinged" her (probed, sent feelers, watching for a "pong") for her closeness by speaking of handshakes and how she can do better. I demonstrated, taking her hand quite a few times, to which she was very receptive. Thinking back it was a good way to test the situation.
I decided to study a couple of simple palm reading tricks, as it could be very useful in such situations, and be a neat party trick to chat up girls, to boot.
Misreading of body language can bring about negative results, so periodic generic pings of going with what you feel seems like a good idea.
Pinky.
In my head, during awkward pauses, I went through what this body language projection may mean, from feeling unsure to pure hate. It impacted my normal social behavior by making me selfconscious and thus on occasion, socially awkward (which led to the pauses).
After spending the whole day and evening with her I decided to take the plunge and when I felt energetic and excited, I went with it--ignoring my concerns. This outgoing behavior resulted in her being a bit energetic herself and smiling more. She still kept the closed body language, though.
She is a great girl, but somewhat closed and private in general--which means a baseline for her behavior had to be created first, taking her closed tendencies into account. How far does that extend, though?
Frustrated, I realized that something is off, so I openly spoke with her on the subject of body language and asked what's up. Why would she spend so much time with me and enjoy herself yet remain closed?
I brought it into the conversation, and she said that she was cold. Weather cold (chilly) rather than behaviorally. Talk about ASSumptions!
Chatting with Lancelot, my valiant co-blogger, we realized that closed body language does not necessarily mean a closed attitude, environmental factors may come into play ranging from just being cold to having the flu. :)
Now that I know to look for it, I can try and ascertain if there are other reasons for such behavior, meaning. Is the person in front of me cold? As to other reasons, I don't know what they are yet. I do know that if someone is closed to me I am going to try and verify if they are indeed closed by being more friendly, leaning in, getting closer. Observing their response.
Then, if they are open to my approaches and attempts (and maintain their body language over time rather than open up), I will try to figure out what's wrong, perhaps by simply asking "are you cold?" or "isn't it chilly in here?" and see how that works. Like in Quantum mechanics, perhaps one needs to watch for a lot of factors--being cold being just one of them--but even just knowing one needs to further examine closeness signals before coming to final encounter conclusions is critical.
The reason for this approach as opposed to trying to open up people with closed body language is in application rather than method--they do respond to your attempts, but don't open up.
In other words:
if (language.situation==closed)
{
try_ping_approach;
}
Full disclosure note: she always kept her legs crossed in a closed position--away from me, but I did not figure that one out as of yet, except that indeed "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". Body language is a closed feedback loop, impacting feelings much like emotions impact it, so such patterns are negative for interactions regardless.
On another note, after speaking with her on body language I "pinged" her (probed, sent feelers, watching for a "pong") for her closeness by speaking of handshakes and how she can do better. I demonstrated, taking her hand quite a few times, to which she was very receptive. Thinking back it was a good way to test the situation.
I decided to study a couple of simple palm reading tricks, as it could be very useful in such situations, and be a neat party trick to chat up girls, to boot.
Misreading of body language can bring about negative results, so periodic generic pings of going with what you feel seems like a good idea.
Pinky.
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